Truth is

I really lost it today. I can only calmly respond to whiney snot-nosed whining combined with infant-screamingx2 while trying to make dinner for us and someone else (don't even get me started on the irony of that assignment) before I just snap. But why are you always sick? And how am I supposed to get anything done when you follow me around whining  "hold youuu" all. day. long? 

Ya I lost it. And then I felt bad. And then the second he was in bed, I felt worse. Ok I'll hold you. Now I want to hold you. 

It's so frustrating to not be perfect but I don't want to pretend I'm even close. I am learning and I am trying and I want really really bad to be good but I've got a ways to go. Great start to the nice clean slate of a year huh? Deep breath, refocus, try again tomorrow. 

Any advice for staying calm? Do they forgive you when you hurt their little feelings? Sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't all for our sake and we just hope we don't do too much damage to the sweet, pefect spirits we're given. 

2013

It's been a pretty crazy year for us! If I had to give a theme to this year it would be faith. Not just believing in God, but believing that He's the one in charge (have I mentioned I'm controlling?) Really, he knows what he's doing.

There were several times I looked to the heavens and thought "excuse me, what are you thinking?" and now I can look back at every little (and big) unexpected turn and find something really important that I learned from it. Something I might not have learned otherwise. And it turns out, I love having two babies at once. It's exactly what I never knew I needed. These two little maggots are so perfect for me.

So glad they're a little fatter now, too

Anyhow for the first time it occurred to me that all those times the scriptures say "be not afraid" or the like, it's not just a reassurance. It's a COMMANDMENT. As usual, Jeffrey R. Holland says it best:

"[This] may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart... . May I be bold enough to suggest that it is impossible for anyone who really knows God to doubt his willingness to receive us with open arms in a divine embrace if we will but ‘come unto Him?... I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that his people do not  feel confident in his care, or secure in His hands". 

Here's to a much less eventful 2014!

What we look like right now

A sweet lady in our ward offered to take Magnolia and Wendy's newborn pictures for free, but I had already set something up with another girl who offered to do them (again, free. Twins are the best!) though I have yet to see those pictures. Anyway since the newborn thing didn't work out, she was kind enough to take our family Christmas photos instead. Not only did she manage to get some where not one of the 3 kids is crying and Jacob and I look (mostly) normal, we were done in 30 minutes and she had them edited and back to me the next day. What a champ! 

And a special thanks to fruit snacks for keeping Clark in one spot for more than 12 seconds. And to my dad for making my necklace. 

And pin a rose on my nose for making my skirt, Wendy's skirt, and Maggie's headband. And the beautiful children. 

He kept wanting to lie down with the babies, because he remembered that we made him do that last time we took pictures.

And this is what we really look like. Sweatshirts and sleep sacks for days. It's a lot of work to get four people ready.

It's November, After All

Last week, Clark decided to test out his independence by not sleeping. It was weird and exhausting... you know, because of the two newborns already keeping us up at night. Monday night was particularly awful and by Tuesday morning, I was a mess. I just knew I couldn't do it, so I had to humble myself a little and send out a text for help. Within minutes my mom and 3 sisters who I'd texted had all responded offering to take Clark or drop whatever they had to do that day and come over.

I just have to say, my family (including Jacob's) is really nice. Not the over-the-top, high-pitched, mushy kind of nice. For real nice. Like they spent their entire Saturday and other spare hours cleaning, painting, and unpacking my house while I put my fatty pregnant feet up. And babysit my maniac child so I can get out of the house for the first time in a week. And come visit when I'm lonely and stir crazy. And do my dishes. Never making a big show of it or looking for anything in return. So here I am bragging about them, and I guess that's my way of showing my gratitude. We're all a little emotionally retarded and not great at expressing our feelings or being affectionate, but at the end of the day I know they're willing to do anything to help me--I'll take that over hugs and mushy-talk any day. I owe you all big time!

Mom Guilt and Stuff

This article is so spot on (and funny) and sums up perfectly what I've been thinking lately. I'm done with the guilt. I feel guilty when the house is messy, when I don't spend enough time playing with Clark, when I don't spend enough time holding each baby, when I don't make sides to go with dinner, when I yell, when Clark doesn't get a good nap, when he doesn't eat enough of each food group, when I feed him something from a can, when he watches more than 30 minutes of TV. I could go on. For a really long time.

And some days I could have done better, but some days I really, truly do the best I can and give everything I have and still feel guilty. In part because I see all the moms who are keeping their houses spotless, making organic snacks for their well-dressed kids, and still have time to chevron-bedazzle pumpkins for the front porch.

But the other day, I decided: I don't want to be supermom. I don't even want perfect kids. Because they're just kids--they're not meant to behave like adults. And when I want Clark to be a certain way is it because I love him and want what's best for him or because it would make my life easier or because how he acts is a reflection of who I am and how I'm doing as a mom? I admit, it's the selfish reasons way too often. So I'm trying to change my attitude. And stop comparing. Now it's going to sound like I'm giving a talk in church, because I'm ending with this quote from President Uchtdorf, but it's a really good one:

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

...Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.

In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him."

And this is how Clark feels about going to the doctor.  

Coming Home

All I can really say above my recovery is that is was a million times easier than recovering after having Clark.  I've never been so pleased with my body and its ability to do hard things and heal itself so quickly. And while there were a few moments of fear and anxiety, it was nothing like the panic I felt when I first became a mom. There have been way too many miracles in the last 9 months for me to have much doubt that God is looking out for me.

And I mean...

So after two days at the hospital, I was feeling almost completely back to normal and so excited to get home and be with Clark and Jacob (they had been sick so spent very little time in the hospital). On Friday morning the hospital pediatrician came in to check vitals and everything before discharging them. I was on the phone waiting to order my breakfast as he checked them. He told me that Maggie had lost too much weight, so he didn't think it was a good idea to discharge them today. Right as he started to go into more detail, the person on the phone asked me to place my order... "I umm.. hold on". I should've just hung up, but I froze and wasn't thinking clearly. The pediatrician stormed off as if I'd offended him (I'm sure he was just busy) so I finished placing my order, not feeling at all hungry anymore.

Just then my mom came back from getting her breakfast, and I just burst into tears. I felt so guilty that we hadn't gotten the babies to eat more and that I'd offended the pediatrician and that I couldn't be home taking care of the rest of my family. Then of course my nurses for the day walked in and I was embarrassed to be such a wreck, but surely they see lots of crazy hormonal women. Everyone reassured me and made me feel a little better. And we dedicated all day to getting those babies fattened up which meant waking them up every 3 hours, day and night, and forcing them to eat. Considering it took about an hour to get them both fed, burped, and changed, I could never sleep more than two hours at a time--it was exhausting! We were thrilled when we took them to their midnight weigh-in, and they'd both gained weight.

So imagine my shock and frustration when the pediatrician came in the next morning and said we would have to stay at least one more day since Wendy was still losing weight. Whaaa? I told him that I was pretty sure the nurse said they had both gained last night, but didn't want to argue with him. But after he left my mom affirmed that she had definitely said that and went to ask the nurse about it. Pretty much the lady working that night had entered the WRONG weight in the computer. I was really annoyed and so sick of being in the dang hospital, especially since I wasn't getting free meals anymore and knew we were just racking up the bills because of someone's mistake. Oh well. We kept working hard to get the girls to eat and finally got to go home on Sunday morning.

So far, things have been going better than I expected. This is probably because the babies just sleep most of the time still, but I'll take it. I'm also really pleased with how great Clark has been. No jealousy or clinginess or resentment toward the babies. He just plays happily on his own most of the day and occasionally wants to touch one of his sisters, but is pretty much over the novelty now and lets them be. When one of them cries, he gets really concerned and says "Happened?!" (as in "what happened?"). I could not have asked for a better kid to throw into such a crazy situation. Breastfeeding both girls has gone way better than I had hoped, too. I had pretty low expectations from the beginning since I had a hard enough time with just one baby, and I didn't know if I'd produce enough to feed them both or have the patience or if they'd struggle more since they were a little premature. But so far, they're doing great! It's a little tricky to feed and burp them both at the same time but I got world's most obnoxiously huge nursing pillow, and we're starting to get the hang of it.

Ok, I feel like this is all a big brag about how great my life is, but I really feel so blessed. And it can be really hard and overwhelming sometimes, but thank goodness for all the family nearby!


Bethany came over to get some photos of our family which was next to impossible (have you met Clark?). Somehow she managed to catch a few gems though!

He kills me

"Here, Maggie. Have a cookie"

How Magnolia and Wendy Arrived

Here's a timeline of events leading up to having the babies. As in this is a birth story. So quit reading if you're not into that kind of thing.

Friday, 9/13- Go in for my usual ultrasound and follow-up and am told that both babies have cysts on their kidneys which could be a sign of a serious problem so I should see a high risk doctor right away. They tell me they'll try to get me an appointment for that day and call me back right away.
My initial reaction is that everything is fine, and I shouldn't be worried. But then they don't call back for hours, and I start getting upset. Why are they not getting back to me? Why wouldn't they just induce me at this point (almost 37 weeks) if there's a potential problem? Finally they call me back and say they managed to find me an appointment for the following Tuesday. This is frustrating because I don't want to wait that long, but deep down I still feel like there's no need to worry.

Tuesday, 9/17- Go to my ultrasound with the high risk doctor. She says their kidneys look completely normal. However, they now appear to be in one placenta when earlier ultrasounds always showed two. So they probably fused into one. Kinda weird. Baby B also had quite a bit more fluid than Baby A which can cause problems, blah blah blah. Basically mono/di twins (which I now was carrying) have more risks when carried past 37 weeks than di/di twins (what everyone thought I was carrying).
So later I met with my OB and she said that if I'd made any progress that they would try to get me induced pretty soon. I was really glad to hear this. She checked me and I was at 5 cm, so she would try to get an induction scheduled and call me to let me know. I was thinking this meant I might get to be induced by the end of the week, but they called an hour later and told me I was scheduled to go in at 5 the next morning! Trying to sleep that night was worse than trying to sleep as a kid on Christmas Eve (maybe because world's worst heartburn and backache were added to the excitement and anxiety). Conveniently, the episode of Full House where Becky goes into labor with her twins was on.

Last bump shot: the night before being induced. Good thing, too, since this is one of 4 tops that still fit.

Wednesday, 9/18
4:30 AM: Jacob's mom arrives to stay with Clark, and we head off to the hospital. I tell Jacob I really need an Egg McMuffin, but then remember that McDonald's isn't open at 4:30 AM. Grrr I'm going to be starving all day. And I'm pretty sure I will be in labor all day, because that just seems to be what happens with inductions.

5:00- Get to the hospital. Wait for a while. Paper work, get taken to labor and delivery.

6:00-8:00- My mom and Bethany show up to keep me entertained. More paperwork, answering questions, getting my IV put in (after THREE tries. Ouch!), check me--I'm already at a 6.5, ultrasound to see how babies are positioned (Baby A head-down as always, Baby B breech at the moment). My OB tells me that she's completely comfortable doing breech extractions with the second twin, but that there are risks involved, etc. It is also possible that once the first baby is out, she'll flip head down or sideways. If the latter happens, there's really no choice but to deliver via c-section. So delivering both vaginally and c-section would really suck, but we decide to go for it anyway. She tells me that I have to deliver in the OR and have an epidural fairly soon in case of an emergency c-section.
There's only allowed to be one person with me in the OR, and Jacob really doesn't want to be the one in there if I end up having a c-section, so we decide that if that ends up being the case, he and my mom can hurry and switch places.

Mom and Jacob get their cool OR outfits on and Bethany starts Instagramming it up. 

8:30- The nurse says she's starting the pitocin which I'm a little terrified of because I've heard that it causes very sudden, painful contractions rather than the gradual ones that happen naturally. About an hour passes and I'm still not feeling any painful, regular contractions. Again, I start to worry that this is going to take all day.

9:30- I'm given the epidural which makes me nervous, but doesn't actually hurt much. My OB checks me right after and I'm at an 8.5. How I dilated to 8.5 cm without feeling a thing is beyond me, but I couldn't be more grateful. She says "may as well break her water" and get the OR set up. We hurry and decide on our names, but not who gets which and Jacob gives me a speed blessing because people are in and out of my room like crazy.

a little after 10- OB checks me again and I'm fully dilated. The nurse says we should get to the OR and my OB says "don't you want to have her do a practice push first to see how fast we'll go?". Nurse looks again, "ehhh..."
"I'm a pretty good pusher," I pipe up and my mom and Jacob agree.
"Ya, we better just go" the Dr says and they wheel me into to OR.

10:15- The OR is a little too intense for my taste. There's a giant light shining on me and a million people rushing around and speaking in medical jargon like I'm about to die. I couldn't really think straight. They move me onto the operating table and get everything else ready, then tell me to get ready to push.

10:22- "Ok, push!" "Ok STOP pushing!" Little Magnolia pretty much just slipped right out. They hand her to me, and I'm kinda thrown off because I want them to clean her off first and there's still another baby inside me. I just keep saying "so tiny!" They ask Jacob if he wants to cut the cord, and we both say "no, no" right away because him passing out is the last thing we need right now.

Magnolia Taylor, 5 lbs 3 oz, 19.3 in

Now they break Baby B's water and I have a small panic attack because I don't know if and how she has flipped. I can't remember if they did an ultrasound real quick or if my OB just felt up there to see, but she was still coming feet first. She tries to get a good hold on her legs, but I'm having a really strong contraction and then the baby is flailing her legs all about, so it takes a few minutes. The whole time I'm just praying that I don't have to have a c-section and that they don't break any bones or something pulling her out. I also keep looking over at the baby I just had. Finally, she gets a good hold on both of Wendy's little legs and tells me to push on the next contraction. But there aren't really any so they tell me to just push anyway. I stop when I see her feet, but they all shout "Keep pushing!"

10:30- They pull Wendy out. I look away while they do, because it just scares me for a baby to come out that way. When I look up, she looks totally dead which they did warn me about before--I guess it's normal when they're delivered breech--but I still don't like it. They get us all cleaned off, and Jacob says "she's crying!" which makes me feel better.

Wendy Mead, 6 lbs, 19.7 in

They bring us and our new bundles back the room where my mom and sister are waiting and we gawk over how precious they are and decide which baby gets which name. (And no, the names aren't coordinating or matchy or have any special meaning--just two names we liked. The middle names are our moms' maiden names.) 

And we thought Clark's legs were scrawny!

And that was the time I gave birth to two babies in 15 minutes after 2 hours of painless labor. I still can't believe it even happened. It just felt like I went to the hospital, chatted with family for a couple hours, and they handed me some perfect little babies! Guess I earned it after the 8 months of hellish pregnancy...or something. In retrospect I'm so glad everything happened the way it did because I might not have even realized I was in labor until it was too late if it had happened naturally (An episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant entitled "Baby in my Sweat Pants" comes to mind...LLLL)

Happy Birthday

Our beautiful little girls arrived yesterday! Everything went so much better than I ever could have hoped and I'm feeling so so grateful. 

 

He doesn't really get it. But he loves them. And poor Jacob has a nasty cold.

Wendy Mead, 6 lbs, 19.7 in

Magnolia (or Maggie or Noli or whatever you please) Taylor, 5 lb 3oz, 19.3 in

15 Months

These days, Clark is really into doing anything that seems important or grown up. Like talking, pushing things around, and climbing into chairs or couches and just sitting. I love it, because you can tell he thinks he's so grown up. Until he stands up and gives me a heart attack.
You can also often find him sporting a stethoscope and covering himself in stickers.

Feeding Babies

Warning: Don't read this post if you don't want to see the word "breastfeeding" several times.

I just thought I'd share my experience with breastfeeding Clark, because a lot of people are a little overzealous about "breast is best" and need to realize that it's not always so black and white. One of my friends here adopted her baby, some women have to go back to work right away, and for some people it just doesn't work.

 I was dead set on it from the beginning. There was just no other option in my mind. At first it was the most difficult and frustrating thing ever--all discomfort aside. Clark could NOT figure out how to latch. Isn't that supposed to come naturally? Long story short, we kept on because I was determined that this was best for us. Finally he got it, and all was well.

Fast forward three months and for whatever reason (Drs say reflux), he was done. Refused to breastfeed and arched away from me screaming every time I tried. Eventually when he was losing weight, grumpy, and starving, I decided it was more important for him to just EAT. We got a special gentle formula and instantly he was back to his normal happy self and eating plenty. But I felt so guilty, and I spent a lot of time stressing and crying about it. And a lot of that guilt came from all the rude, self-righteous comments I'd heard about women who don't breastfeed being selfish and formula being of the devil. And then all the "facts" about how kids who drink formula have lower IQs and aren't healthy. How about my formula-drinking nephew reading and solving math problems at the age of 3? Or my own kid who's just as bright as any kid his age?

Anyway, I had pretty much gotten over all the negative feelings when I went on a trip with Clark. I gave him a bottle as I waited for my flight. (Sidenote: feeding a baby in public is a lose-lose. Breastfeeding in public will surely get you some dirty looks--really people?--and bottle-feeding will win you some critical looks and comments.) A middle-aged woman came over to me and patronizingly asked, "Have you ever considered breastfeeding?" I can't believe I didn't punch her in the face or make some snarky remark like, "WHAT? My boobs can feed my baby?! I had no idea!". Instead I politely said something like, "ya, that didn't work out for us". Do I know you? It's none of your business! (And that goes for all aspects of parenting. Please people-of-the-world, enough unsolicited parenting advice to complete strangers.)

I very quickly learned to just laugh at or ignore any comments people made, but it's all just a little much. Yes, we should be educated on how important breastfeeding is, but we should also be a little more understanding about when women have to fall back on Plan B.

Mother's Day

This morning Jacob made me a yummy breakfast. When he brought Clark to me and told him to give me hugs, the child swatted me away, pointed to a nearby lamp, and said "that? that?" Yep, that's my boy. I just keep in mind that someday (probably in 18 years or so) he'll appreciate me.

Then this afternoon Jacob left us to go to Arizona for some interviews so we've just been missing him. Every time he (or I) goes away I'm just amazed at moms who are always on their own, including Jacob's own mother for a couple years. I'm so grateful she was able to raise such an amazing boy despite hard times and allow me to steal him.
And of course I'm grateful for my wonderful mother who always loved all 7 of us obnoxious children unconditionally. And for my sisters who helped raise me.

On Being a Mom at 22

I've had this post on my mind for a long time, but never could get it down for fear that I wouldn't have the right words to explain myself or that it might come off really defensive. But with Mother's Day around the corner, I guess this is as good a time as any to put it out there.

People, here in Northern California especially, seem to have a really hard time understanding why I would get married and have kids at such a young age. I can only guess at the reasons that my age seems to shock--even offend--people and try to explain my point of view.

1. I'm throwing my life away: I assume people think the appropriate things for someone my age to be doing are being free, partying, experimenting, traveling, "finding myself". Well I can honestly say I don't feel like I've missed out. I'm glad that I've never once tasted alcohol or any other substance that could affect my behavior (talk about freedom)! There's plenty of time to travel, and I am "finding" the best possible version of myself in motherhood. So don't worry about me missing out on life experiences; as un-glamorous as this is, I've never felt more fulfilled.
Bob Marley to back me up:  “Live for yourself and you will live in vain; Live for others, and you will live again."

2. You should be more "ambitious"/ You should be pursuing a career: Why? I decided to have babies while I'm at my peak of health and energy (and to be blunt, fertility) and to focus on my family. I took my eduction very seriously, I did well in school, and I graduated. When my kids are a little older and more independent I want to start a career, maybe go back to school, etc. I also know I may need to work sooner if money gets tight, and I'm totally fine with that. Currently, love doing little side jobs/projects to keep my mind active in other areas. But I try to make family my top priority.
 I think most people choose the path that's best for them, and I respect that. I hope people can likewise respect that this is the right path for me. And believe me, wanting to be a good parent is plenty ambitious. This isn't settling.
Rose Kennedy to back me up: “I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love & duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting & challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it."

3. You're not mature enough to be a parent yet. That's probably true. But I don't know if anyone could be 100% prepared to be a parent. You learn most of it as you go, and I think most moms at any age would agree with that.

Or 4. They just assume it was an accident and I didn't really have a choice. It happens, but both of my pregnancies have been part of the plan (obviously getting 2 the second time around wasn't). We'd been married for almost three years when I had Clark. Ya, that means I got married at 19 but that's a whole other story.

So hopefully that helps people understand my choices and priorities a little better. Are there any other reasons people frown upon getting married and having kids so young? I'm genuinely interested in knowing, so please tell me--I won't be offended.

Monday Morning Workout

Don't know if my OB would approve, but we sure get a kick out of it.


P.S. He's too old to get Shaken Baby Syndrome, right? 

P.S.S. Sorry if the title fooled you into believing I do any more working out than spastic dancing...or am in shape. At all.

Learning to Sit

After writing this post last week, I was determined to get Clark to sit in someone's lap for more than 10 minutes without completely losing it. I know he's just a baby and it's totally normal to be squirmy, but I also know he can sit still and play with toys and look at a book for quite a while (he does it all the time in the car and sometimes at home).

So every day last week, we practiced. I gathered up some toys for him to play with, put him on my lap, and held on tight. After a few minutes he threw all his toys on the ground and started to whine and try to get down, but once he realized he wasn't going anywhere, he just accepted the fact. Well, he whined about it a few more times the first day, but got much better after that.

Then this Sunday, my child sat still for an HOUR AND A HALF. It was a miracle! Of course, it helped that about 45 min. in, the little girl in front of us started entertaining him and handing him toys and crackers. But hey, we'll take it! I was mostly worried about taking him on a airplane next week, but this gives me a little more hope. Now it better not wear off.

Trying

One time, in an act of desperation, I started searching the web for some sort of community group so I could make some sort of friends. I came across Pleasanton Mothers Club, and though it sounded a little hokey, I figured I had nothing to lose. I am so glad I did! I started going to some of the club's playgroups--yes, with my baby that was 3 months old at the time. And then finally they formed a playgroup for kids in Clark's age group. I know, who puts there baby in a playgroup? Turns out there are lots of first time stay at home moms who felt just like I did. And let's be honest, right now it's way more for our sake than for the babies', but it will be fun for Clark to grow up with a little group of friends, too!

Lullaby

I remember my mom always singing this to my nieces and nephews as babies, so I sing it to Clark every time I put him down for a nap.




  I had no idea where it came from until I found this little clip, and somewhere along the way, our words got changed a little. Still love it and so does Clark!

My Saturdays

Every Saturday, Jacob takes Clark and tells me to get lost. So I almost always start the morning going to garage sales. I've realized that this area compensates for its really bad thrift stores by having a lot of really fantastic garage sales. Then I usually go to the library or some other store (JoAnns). Until you've had a baby, you can never know how nice it is to go somewhere all. by. yourself. No carseat, stroller, diaper bag, whining. When I come home, we usually sit around and do nothing for a while and then all get out as a family. It's great.

Sprinkler

Yesterday was hot.  So like any poor person with a kid on a summer day, I thought it would be a fun idea to play in the sprinkler. Plus Clark hasn't gotten a chance to wear the swim trunks I got for him, and summer is almost over.

Then as we stood in the pokey grass with cold water dripping on us and Clark whimpering, I realized that this wasn't really an appropriate activity for a four-month-old. Maybe next year, son.

am I just biased or is he the cutest kid ever?

This Post Doesn't Even Deserve a Title

Clark can officially play Steamroller! That's right. He can roll over both ways (except at nap time. Then he magically forgets how and needs my help flipping back over...). It's a pretty big deal in the baby world. The amount he's been sleeping at night is also a pretty big deal--more in the mommy world--but I don't want to brag about that too much, because then I know I will be cursed.

Aside from that, we've just been watching lots of Olympics. Mens gymnastics gives me a lot of anxiety and synchronized swimming is the coolest thing ever. I'm serious. After my sister inspired me with a video on Facebook, I did some research and found out that a US Olympic coach teaches only miles away from where I live! However I may have past my prime which is a pity because I know I would have been a synchro star. Oh well, I expect to have at least one daughter, and mark my words, I will use her to vicariously fulfill my lost dreams. "Toddlers in Swim Caps" mom?

fast

This time last year, after taking pregnancy test #4 and getting yet another very clear second line, I decided it was probably for real. I just sat on my in-laws' leather sofa and thought about how I wouldn't be able to think about anything else for the next nine months and how slow it would go by. At first it did go by so slow, because I felt awful and we didn't tell anyone for way too long and I was so excited and scared about everything. Just thinking about Pixel Junk Monsters, this game Jacob would play when I was at my peak of morning sickness, still makes me nauseous. (I try to remember that whenever I start thinking I want another baby any time soon.) 
But then school started, and the next 6 months flew by. Now here I am with an almost 4-month-old and I can't even believe how much has changed in a year and how quickly it went after all.