Monday, February 17, 2014

I'm trying to be a little more honest lately. Even when it makes me uncomfortable or embarrassed or ashamed. So here goes...

I've been really hard on myself lately. Like, irrationally hard--to the point that I hate myself sometimes. Or feel immense guilt for marrying someone so far above me and feeling like maybe I tricked him into thinking I was a better person than I am. Or the same guilt for having kids who deserve a much better mom. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, here. I don't want pity or compliments or anything like that. Like I said, I know it's irrational and I'm trying to shake these feelings, but it's been a process (I don't think postpartum hormones, stress, or lack of sleep help). I know I'm not a bad person, but I'm often overwhelmed at how far I have to go to become the person I could and should be. And then I have a hard time seeing any good in myself at all.

Anyway, I don't even want to share all that but I am so that I can share some really good things I've learned, in case anyone else is feeling this way...

"Now may I speak, not to the slackers in the Kingdom, but to those who carry their own load and more; not to those lulled into false security, but to those buffeted by false insecurity, who, though laboring devotedly in the Kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short.
Following celestial road signs while in telestial traffic jams is not easy, especially when we are not just moving next door—or even across town."

"There is a difference, therefore, between being “anxiously engaged” and being over-anxious and thus under engaged."

"Brothers and sisters, the scriptures are like a developmental display window through which we can see gradual growth—along with this vital lesson: it is direction first, then velocity! Enoch’s unique people were improved “in process of time.” (Moses 7:21.) Jesus “received not of the fulness at first, but received grace for grace” (D&C 93:12) and even He grew and “increased in wisdom and stature” (Luke 2:52)."
"He who was thrust down in the first estate delights to have us put ourselves down. Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven."

"Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage, and our personal progress should be yet another way we witness to the wonder of it all!"

--Notwithstanding My Weakness, Neal A. Maxwell

"The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be. And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step."

"That is easy enough. We don’t have to be perfect today. We don’t have to be better than someone else. All we have to do is to be the very best we can.
Though you may feel weary, though you sometimes may not be able to see the way, know that your Father in Heaven will never forsake His righteous followers. He will not leave you comfortless. He will be at your side, yes, guiding you every step of the way."
--One Step after Another, Joseph B. Wirthlin
"Brothers and sisters, I testify that no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us—insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn’t measure our talents or our looks; He doesn’t measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other. I know that if we will be faithful, there is a perfectly tailored robe of righteousness ready and waiting foreveryone, 14 “robes … made … white in the blood of the Lamb.” 15 May we encourage each other in our effort to win that prize is my earnest prayer."
--The Other Prodigal, Jeffrey R. Holland


Hailey Roper said...

Thank you, Natalli. That's all:)

amanda and clay said...

I think we ALL feel this way at times. I always appreciate how honest and real you are. I have drawn so much strength from your honesty--knowing that I'm not alone is some of the things I feel, and knowing that the company I keep in those feelings is someone who I look up to so much. Thank you for sharing those passages. They are exactly the reminder I have needed. Can't wait to see you guys soon!

alyssa said...

I love it when other people are honest about how they're feeling because it helps me realize I'm not the only one who feels that way. I go through times like this (it's always a cycle...) and I hate feeling that way. I love the place I'm at in life but at the same time am so overwhelmed that maybe I'm not doing the best I can do with what I have. At the end of the day I'm always thinking, "I wish I would have done this..." or "I really should have made time for that..." Every. Day. And then I feel so stressed because I don't feel like I have the time and energy left over everyday to do what I want to do.

Anyway, I was going to write about this same thing on my blog... so you're not alone in this for sure. Thanks for being honest! I think you're doing an amazing job.

David, Melissa, and kids said...

We live in a crazy world with a lot of unrealistic expectations (usually brought on by someone trying to sell something) and we want to live up to what we think we should be doing.

We've gotten to know a few Amish families out here and I find it fascinating how they are not burdened by the same problems/issues that our world and culture have caused for ourselves. They have huge families, work real hard, have no electricity...their kids are so polite/honest/respectful/happy/hardworking... and they all are in it together and help each other. The week before church at one of their houses, all the ladies come over and help them clean. Whereas, for us, we'd be embarrassed to have people come help us clean. We're nuts. They have things look nice out of respect for themselves not because they are trying to impress anyone.

Anyways, we just live in a crazy culture that tries to help but usually ends up pushing us down.