Mom Guilt and Stuff

This article is so spot on (and funny) and sums up perfectly what I've been thinking lately. I'm done with the guilt. I feel guilty when the house is messy, when I don't spend enough time playing with Clark, when I don't spend enough time holding each baby, when I don't make sides to go with dinner, when I yell, when Clark doesn't get a good nap, when he doesn't eat enough of each food group, when I feed him something from a can, when he watches more than 30 minutes of TV. I could go on. For a really long time.

And some days I could have done better, but some days I really, truly do the best I can and give everything I have and still feel guilty. In part because I see all the moms who are keeping their houses spotless, making organic snacks for their well-dressed kids, and still have time to chevron-bedazzle pumpkins for the front porch.

But the other day, I decided: I don't want to be supermom. I don't even want perfect kids. Because they're just kids--they're not meant to behave like adults. And when I want Clark to be a certain way is it because I love him and want what's best for him or because it would make my life easier or because how he acts is a reflection of who I am and how I'm doing as a mom? I admit, it's the selfish reasons way too often. So I'm trying to change my attitude. And stop comparing. Now it's going to sound like I'm giving a talk in church, because I'm ending with this quote from President Uchtdorf, but it's a really good one:

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

...Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.

In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him."

And this is how Clark feels about going to the doctor.  

Today

I need these words pasted to every wall in my house. Really, I've been pretty good about staying positive, patient, and not totally freaking out--which is a big deal for me--but today was just rough.

I take back everything I said about Clark being the sweetest, cutest kid. Ok he's still really cute, but the whining and screaming and tantrums have been OUT of control the last few days. I'm hoping it's because his sick, but I know it's more likely the huge decrease in attention he's getting and his age and being sooo stir crazy (leaving the house right now isn't really an option). That combined with my only getting a few broken hours of sleep last night was a bad combination. And my newborns getting less sleepy... 

At one point all 3 were screaming in unison and I got so overwhelmed at the thought of doing this every. single. day. And start worrying about doing everything right and everything that could go wrong. "Ahh, I can't do this!" 

But I am doing it. And I just have to focus on this day. This feeding. This second. That I can handle. 

Confessions, Pt. 3: Family Edition

- One day I realized I hadn't seen the last two Twilight movies, so we watched ALL 5. Each night I would watch one and say "So bad. This is SO. BAD" (Jacob would pretend to agree) but then proceed to watch the next movie the following night. It's ok, our next marathon is Hobbit and LOTR.

- Clark gets way too excited about cat food commercials.

- Every time I wear any sort of stretchy pants Jacob says "ooo, love these!" (but he'd probably be embarrassed that I share that). He'll be glad to know that I'll be spending most of the next 4-5 months in yoga pants. So hot.

- The missionaries show up unannounced once a week. EVERY time I say, "Hurry turn the T.V. off. We're not home!" My husband, of course, not only welcomes them in to chat for hours, he gives them candy on their way out to ensure they'll keep coming back.

- Clark truly believes we can't see him when he does this and I say "Where's Clark?"

- When I was a child my brother would always play the piano, but he only knew two songs: "Carol of the Bells" and "Do You Hear the People Sing?" from Les Mis. I switched up the words to the latter and would sing along to his intense, spastic playing: "Do you hear the chickens sing? Singing the song of angry hens? It is the voices of the chickens who will not lay eggs again!" Oh wait, that's not a confession. That belongs in the category Reasons I'm Cool.

An Excuse (it's a GOOD one)

So, I know I pretty much failed at my goal to blog every day, but my slacking goes so far beyond blogging. (Get ready to feel really good about yourself):

My house is a wreck 90% of the time. I rarely get ready for the day. I spend way too much time on the couch. I sleep a lot. And I only make dinners that will take less than 15 minutes of work on my part.

But I have a fairly legitimate excuse,

or I guess you could say 2 good excuses:

Meet "Baby A" and "Baby B".

Now get ready for me to use way too many words to tell what could be a pretty short story.

I suppose it all started when Clark was about 8 or 9 months old (I share this part, because I know people secretly want to know if it was "planned", but don't know if it's appropriate to ask). He was sweet as can be and much less high-maintenance than he used to be, and I thought "Hey, I could handle another one of these." I always liked the idea of having two close in age to be little buddies. So a few months later I took a pregnancy test (it's not a written exam, kids--seriously, a 14-year-old I taught Sunday School thought it was) and... nothing. But I kept taking them for the next week or so--I wasn't taking no for an answer--and eventually got the positive I was looking for. I did a little jig with Clark and said "You're going to have a little brother!"

That was the plan, see? One little boy 18 months younger than Clark. Sure, it would be hard to have a newborn and a toddler, but it would be so fun when they were a little older. And I knew there was one little boy in there, because this pregnancy felt exactly the same as the last one. Sure, I was a little more tired but I do have a very active one-year-old.

Anyway we're big planners, Jacob and I. We like to know what's coming and be in control. We take walks and discuss our 5 and 10 year plans. And planning is good. But sometimes, just when you think you've got it all figured out, God looks at your "plan" and laughs. Because--surprise--you're not really in control of much at all! This is one of many lessons I'm sure I'm supposed to be learning.

Which brings me to my first ultrasound. I was almost 9 weeks when I went to my first prenatal appointment, but at the time I had no idea how far along I was (I won't explain more than that because it would involve the phrases "last missed period" and "regular"...ew!). So the OB did an ultrasound. I know they always search around for stuff for a while before pointing anything out to you, so I wasn't really paying attention.

That is, until she said "Was this a spontaneous pregnancy?... I mean, did you use any sort of fertility treatment?" My heart stopped, and my eyes snapped up to that screen, because I could only think of one reason she would be asking me that!

"No...nothing like that...why?"

She moves her magic want back and forth, from one little blob to another "Well, I don't know if you see what I'm seeing..."

"Two?" I asked weakly. She confirmed what has truly been one of my biggest fears for as long as I can remember. And I'm such a bad person that, honest to goodness, the first thing I thought was "Ok, who could we give one to?" In my defense, my head was spinning, and really I was being selfless because I know there are a lot of people out there who really want to have babies but can't. And I've always said "I couldn't do multiples!" Newborns overwhelm me as it is. But I quickly snapped out of it and knew that I loved both those babies and they were both meant to be with us.

She measured them and there was almost a week difference in their measurements, which she seemed a little concerned about. So of course I became a lot concerned. She told me it was still pretty early so I should come back in 3 weeks and look at them again.

The next three weeks were the longest mess of worry, and stress, and morning sickness. I couldn't stand the thought of losing one or both of them, but the more "research" (bad, bad internet!) I did, the more I was sure that one would be absorbed by the other or something. And even if everything was ok, how the  heck was I supposed to take care of THREE babies? Put three babies in car seats? Feed three babies? Afford all this junk*?

Finally the three weeks passed, and we all made it out ok. And that's where we're at. Still a little stressed and unsure of how it's all going to work out, but really happy and excited too.

*now accepting any and all used baby items and donations to the minivan fund. Ya, I'm going to be a minivan mom. At 23. I just wasn't emotionally prepared for that.

Part Two

I guess I feel like my blog hasn't been embarrassing/juicy/revealing enough lately. So, I bring you the much-anticipated...
Confessions, Part 2

1. I spend a lot of time doing full blown interpretive dances to the corny jingles that come out of Clark's swing. It keeps us both entertained for at least 15 minutes at a time and is a pretty good work out.

2. The other day I was trying to use a computer at the library and couldn't get it to log in. Turns out instead of my card number, I was typing in the library's phone number printed at the top of the card. Over, and over, and over again.

3. I have a very wild, irrational imagination so I freak myself out all the time. Once at a sleepover, I was sure that someone trying to break into our friend's house so I convinced Olivia to hide in the bathroom with me for over an hour, heated hair styling tools at the ready. (This is why I cannot watch scary movies).

4. Lots of people think or have thought I hate them (this is ironic since I can't think of even a single person I strongly dislike). I attribute it it to one or a combination of three things: a) I have a naturally "sour" countenance. My out-of-it face looks a lot like a you're-the-worst face. b) I'm a little shy and a lot socially awkward, especially in big groups. c) I have a pretty dry sense of humor. So if you don't know me very well and think I don't like you, I do. Let's be friends.

5. My favorite Olympic gymnast was the Russian girl with really beautiful ballerina legs. I'm such a traitor.

Now, feel free to share some deep secrets with me.

I thought we left Arizona?

So much for perfect weather. It was SO hot yesterday. 105 and we only have one tiny little AC unit. 
So last night was a clothing optional family sleepover in the living room. Ya, we made our 2-month-old sleep in nothing but a diaper. Just keeping it classy over here.

A Day in the Life

> To school by 8 AM.

> Work, study, class until at least 6 PM. Have I mentioned that I got Jacob a job at the HLRC? The best job ever just got even better. Now I have someone text, "Luna Lovegood" when a wide-eyed, long-haired blond comes into the lab. Class and study, less fun.

> At some point (or several) during the day I usually do something really stupid or forget something important, and Jacob reassures me that I'm "just a little spazzy" because I'm pregnant.

> Get home and eat something not very good, because I don't have time to make a real dinner before my baby-growing body gets really mad at me. Catch up on my shows or do more homework (pinterest) or read until Jacob comes home around 9 or so.

> We usually finish the day off with a cereal party (not really a party--just two or more people eating cold cereal at an inappropriate time) and an episode of Dateline or any other show centered on true crime.

> In bed by 10:30, sometimes earlier.

And that's how I became a 75-year-old before my 22nd birthday. I'm not even sorry about it either.

Luckily my block class ends this week which means I'll be able to go home at 2:00 instead of 6:00 which means I can cook real food again! And take naps!

Confessions, Pt. 1

Imagine Usher's "Confessions" playing right now. It's about to get personal.



-It usually takes me at least 3 tries to get the word verifications things right. One time I even pushed the handicap button, but the audio verification was even trickier.

-Opening canned biscuits scares me. I jump every time.

-It's getting pretty hard to shave my legs, so I decided today would probably be the last time I do before this baby comes. Instead of being grossed out by that, I just thought "meh.. I've gone longer"

-Saying I'm a sucker for trashy reality TV wouldn't be much of a confession--that's common knowledge. What's really embarrassing is that I may have gotten teary-eyed during the season finale of Kourtney and Kim take New York.


and there's more where that came from.

I might be too stressed

It took a while to finish once I got busy with school, but by the time I got to the end this morning, I was bawling (I never sat through the whole movie, so I had no idea how it was going to end). And Jacob was laughing.
Go read it.

Thanks?

I know on Thanksgiving I should have blogged about how I was overwhelmed with gratitude, but I was more overwhelmed with homesickness. There's something wrong about a Thanksgiving without a million wild kids running around and a white trash buffet-style dinner out on the lawn and Mom getting excited about how tomorrow she's going to save an additional 30% off of the 50% off clearance by using her Kohls card.

I must be the worst Mormon wifey blogger ever, but in a twisted way, this is me being thankful for my family. And I am really, truly thankful for a million other things, despite my not making a cute list of them on Thursday.

Ya, well.

It's just one of those days when I'm determined to be productive, and I end up eating salt and vinegar chips and watching this instead:



So worth my time.

oh wait..

Maybe I am still a four-year-old.


I get hungry at school.
And if I could get away with it, I'd probably bring a little tupperware of cheerios and goldfish to sacrament meeting.

Who am I?

(not 24601... or Spiderman)

Finals are officially OVER!

I should be relieved, right? Nope, early this morning I woke up worrying about how I maybe might have gotten an A- in one of my classes. Then I started getting stressed out and thinking about how I was going to e-mail that teacher and give him a piece of my mind for not keeping our grades posted online throughout the semester and not handing all my assignments back to me...
an A-! REALLY?!
Since when did I, one of the most irresponsible people I know, become one of those annoyingly studious, I-have-to-have-perfect-grades kids?? It creeps me out.
Seriously, my mom had to drop my homework/books/papers off at school at least twice a week up to my senior year of high school.

And suddenly I am Hermione Granger. without magic. or a cool accent. Lame.


oh, and I got an A. No need for crazy emails.

friday

My week was pretty "blehh". So over school.

But, I love Fridays! Just a few things that made my evening great:

-getting to spend more than 2 minutes with Jacob, remembering we're married (not roommates).


-eeeaaating. yum


-Being super weirded out that we were car shopping, only to realize J was just killing time before we got to....



-and, of course, movie treats
Also when I sprinted down the hallway of the very empty JFSB on our way home, and Jacob said (laughing), "Wow, I've never seen you run before!"
How embarrassing.

Then this made me laugh. Out loud.

got a number of irrational fears

This weekend Jacob's family was in town, so we spent most of our time at his mom's parents' house watching basketball, socializing, and playing games. It was like a spontaneous family reunion and neither of us was worrying about homework or studying (tooo much). It was great!

Last night I started freaking out, because my ear felt weird and I remembered my mom telling me how she had to remove a bug from her friends ear. So I thought "What if there's a bug in my ear?!" Then I was convinced! I'm a little irrational sometimes...plus I diagnosed myself on WebMD (worst thing ever, it convinces me I'm about to die at least 3 times a month). Then I made Jacob follow these steps I found on ehow.
There wasn't anything in my ear.
Jacob was pretty nice about not acting like I was crazy.

Don't quit your day job.

When I was like 9 or something, I wanted to be a contortionist. Seriously. Then Disney Channel came out with that show "Totally Circus!" and I was Totally Jealous!

I was reminded of these unrealized dreams of mine when the Bachelor took his date(s) to perform in Cirque du Soleil in Vegas. WTF (why the face)?! I should be doing that. The only things stopping me are my fear of heights and love for my practical, businessman husband.

Somedays...

I wish it was socially acceptable to wear my husband's pajamas in public.

Birthday Party and The Bachelor (I have to)

Soooo. The rest of our weekend was pretty cool, because on Saturday we celebrated our friend Amanda's birthday. There was some segregation as the boys played video games and the girls chatted..and ate cookies. We finally decided to all be friends so we could sing to the birthday girl and eat cake. Then we played Mafia, which I'm so good at that I often get killed off first thing. grrr.
On Sunday, we slept in wayyy too late. In the evening, we had dinner with the g-parents and played with Heather.
Monday, no school! Jacob's other grandparents took us to the Carl Bloch exhibit at the BYU museum of art. It was really great. Then they fed us pizza! That night I decided Jacob should take me on a date to Red Lobster (no, we're not rich. thank goodness for giftcards!) Then I had some friends over to watch The Bachelor. I'm so blessed to have friends that share my love for awful, dramatic, reality tv! So much so that they even play Fantasy Bachelor with me. That's right. Finally I don't have to make fun of (be jealous of) Jacob and his love for Fantasy Basketball.

my brain

I'm usually a pretty good student, but today when I should have been learning grammar and semantics, all I could think about was chocolate chip pumpkin cookies.

please make me some. please?

Stars and Stripes Forever

Yesterday morning, I decided I was going to be a good girl and go running or work out or something. Then I looked at my shoes. Not ONE pair of any kind of sporty shoes. Ok, before you judge, just know that I have been taking dance classes as my form of exercise for the past 100 years. However, since no dance classes fit into my schedule this semester, I've been a bit lazy. My jeans get tighter every time I put them on, and that scares the crap out of me.
So we made a Target run, and I got myself some fancy running shoes. Hopefully, they will get more than 2 days of use.
Motivation please? (Bethany and I had a picture similar to this on our bathroom mirror for years to motivate us to be hot. Yes, we love Fergie. Get over it.)