2013

It's been a pretty crazy year for us! If I had to give a theme to this year it would be faith. Not just believing in God, but believing that He's the one in charge (have I mentioned I'm controlling?) Really, he knows what he's doing.

There were several times I looked to the heavens and thought "excuse me, what are you thinking?" and now I can look back at every little (and big) unexpected turn and find something really important that I learned from it. Something I might not have learned otherwise. And it turns out, I love having two babies at once. It's exactly what I never knew I needed. These two little maggots are so perfect for me.

So glad they're a little fatter now, too

Anyhow for the first time it occurred to me that all those times the scriptures say "be not afraid" or the like, it's not just a reassurance. It's a COMMANDMENT. As usual, Jeffrey R. Holland says it best:

"[This] may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart... . May I be bold enough to suggest that it is impossible for anyone who really knows God to doubt his willingness to receive us with open arms in a divine embrace if we will but ‘come unto Him?... I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that his people do not  feel confident in his care, or secure in His hands". 

Here's to a much less eventful 2014!

Christmas Morning

I haven't enjoyed Christmas morning so much since I was a kid. I just loved being in our own home and watching Clark get excited about every little thing! Jacob and I forgot to even look at our own presents until well after Clark had seen all of his.

The rest of the day was a little crazy going from our house to his parents' to my parents' to his grandparents' and back to my parents'. By the end of the day we were all exhausted and getting sick, but all in the name of holiday spirit!

(And if you want to know how I really feel about Christmas, just read this. It's really good.)

Good thing we got so much cute stuff at baby showers so we could pretend the girls got gifts. Since they care and all..

Sunday

Today we brought all 3 kids to all 3 hours of church for the first time. We've been to just sacrament meeting a few times before which was no different than normal, because the babies just sleep the whole time. But by noon, they're ready for lunch. So I went to the mother's lounge with one baby, fed her, changed her and then switched Jacob for the next baby. Worked out pretty well. And I love my ward, because there are like 5 other moms feeding there babies, too, so we get to be social. Sometimes if there's just one other mom, it can be a little awkward (oh hey, my shirt's off and I'm covered in vomit. Nice to meet you). But with a group, it's great. Then in Relief Society a sweet lady held Wendy the whole time while Magnolia slept in her car seat. Thank goodness women love to hold newborns. Also two different people offered to bring me their outgrown extra diapers. The church is true!

Clark also got to go to nursery for the first time. I have looked forward to this day for about 9 months now. Unfortunately (once snack time was over), Clark was not a fan. You always see that clingy kid screaming in nursery and think "that will never be MY kid". Well it is. This seems pretty out of character for him, but he's been pretty dramatic lately. Can't blame him. Better luck next week.

And tonight just before putting Clark to bed, I had one of these rare moments where it fully hits me how lucky I am and my heart is so full of love for these little guys and joy that they're mine. I can't explain it without sounding like a super cheeseball but if you're a mom, you get it. Or just look at this picture and you maybe kind of get it.

Coming Home

All I can really say above my recovery is that is was a million times easier than recovering after having Clark.  I've never been so pleased with my body and its ability to do hard things and heal itself so quickly. And while there were a few moments of fear and anxiety, it was nothing like the panic I felt when I first became a mom. There have been way too many miracles in the last 9 months for me to have much doubt that God is looking out for me.

And I mean...

So after two days at the hospital, I was feeling almost completely back to normal and so excited to get home and be with Clark and Jacob (they had been sick so spent very little time in the hospital). On Friday morning the hospital pediatrician came in to check vitals and everything before discharging them. I was on the phone waiting to order my breakfast as he checked them. He told me that Maggie had lost too much weight, so he didn't think it was a good idea to discharge them today. Right as he started to go into more detail, the person on the phone asked me to place my order... "I umm.. hold on". I should've just hung up, but I froze and wasn't thinking clearly. The pediatrician stormed off as if I'd offended him (I'm sure he was just busy) so I finished placing my order, not feeling at all hungry anymore.

Just then my mom came back from getting her breakfast, and I just burst into tears. I felt so guilty that we hadn't gotten the babies to eat more and that I'd offended the pediatrician and that I couldn't be home taking care of the rest of my family. Then of course my nurses for the day walked in and I was embarrassed to be such a wreck, but surely they see lots of crazy hormonal women. Everyone reassured me and made me feel a little better. And we dedicated all day to getting those babies fattened up which meant waking them up every 3 hours, day and night, and forcing them to eat. Considering it took about an hour to get them both fed, burped, and changed, I could never sleep more than two hours at a time--it was exhausting! We were thrilled when we took them to their midnight weigh-in, and they'd both gained weight.

So imagine my shock and frustration when the pediatrician came in the next morning and said we would have to stay at least one more day since Wendy was still losing weight. Whaaa? I told him that I was pretty sure the nurse said they had both gained last night, but didn't want to argue with him. But after he left my mom affirmed that she had definitely said that and went to ask the nurse about it. Pretty much the lady working that night had entered the WRONG weight in the computer. I was really annoyed and so sick of being in the dang hospital, especially since I wasn't getting free meals anymore and knew we were just racking up the bills because of someone's mistake. Oh well. We kept working hard to get the girls to eat and finally got to go home on Sunday morning.

So far, things have been going better than I expected. This is probably because the babies just sleep most of the time still, but I'll take it. I'm also really pleased with how great Clark has been. No jealousy or clinginess or resentment toward the babies. He just plays happily on his own most of the day and occasionally wants to touch one of his sisters, but is pretty much over the novelty now and lets them be. When one of them cries, he gets really concerned and says "Happened?!" (as in "what happened?"). I could not have asked for a better kid to throw into such a crazy situation. Breastfeeding both girls has gone way better than I had hoped, too. I had pretty low expectations from the beginning since I had a hard enough time with just one baby, and I didn't know if I'd produce enough to feed them both or have the patience or if they'd struggle more since they were a little premature. But so far, they're doing great! It's a little tricky to feed and burp them both at the same time but I got world's most obnoxiously huge nursing pillow, and we're starting to get the hang of it.

Ok, I feel like this is all a big brag about how great my life is, but I really feel so blessed. And it can be really hard and overwhelming sometimes, but thank goodness for all the family nearby!


Bethany came over to get some photos of our family which was next to impossible (have you met Clark?). Somehow she managed to catch a few gems though!

He kills me

"Here, Maggie. Have a cookie"

Miracles

I know most of the time you don't get the things you want in life, but lately it feels like we've been incredibly blessed with all that we've asked for and then some. And I mean that in a humbled, VERY grateful way--not a braggy way.

When we found out we were having twins, one of our first thoughts was "we have to get back to Arizona!" Both of our parents and many siblings live there, and I knew right away that I would need all the help and emotional support I could get. After a lot of effort on Jacob's part, and a lot of praying from us and our families, he was offered a great job in Arizona! It all happened so fast it still feels a little unreal, but we'll be moving in July.

As we made our decision to move, I had my first  "this is really happening" breakdown as I realized that even though we'll have help from family, they are all still really busy with their own lives and at the end of the day this is my responsibility. And it's a big one...that I usually try not to think about (instead I just think about cuddling two sweet little sleeping newborns who never cry. Or poop). But I just cried as I imagined the stressful, chaotic, sleepless months ahead. A day or two later, Jacob walked in the door with this:

TONS of newborn baby girl clothes and other baby gear that a friend at work had given him, all stuff she never needed or barely used for her baby girl. It was just another little miracle that reminded me how kind and helpful everyone has been--people telling me to bring Clark over any time I have a doctors appointment, giving us stuff, asking us how they can help with packing, etc. The Lord always provides a way!

Church with Baby

I think I used to enjoy going to church, but lately it's been pretty hard to enjoy. We usually manage to keep Clark still and busy all of 15 minutes. Then he starts arching his back trying to get down and yelling as we try to stop him. So we spend the rest of our time taking turns chasing him around the halls. It's gotten so bad that today I thought, "I don't even know why we're here! It's not like we've heard anything."
Don't worry, I know it's important to go ALL 3 HOURS either way. But it sure is a challenge. And I will never secretly judge the parents of rowdy kids again!

Day 43

Since I got a calling to work in primary at church, I feel like I haven't really gotten the chance to know the women in my ward very well. So I kind of hate going to the monthly Relief Society "meetings" (can we just call is enrichment again?), because there's a lot of potential for me to be socially awkward and go home feeling like a loser--I may as well be in Jr. High again.
But tonight I got brave and went off to the meeting. People were nice and welcoming and I had real, grown-up conversations without feeling at all uncomfortable. I suppose the moral of the story is that I can't complain about being lonely/not having friends at church unless I've put forth the effort to get to know people.

Day 42

Today I went to the funeral of the baby boy in our ward. Though it was incredibly sad, it was also very uplifting (even though that seems contradictory). I think what affected me the most was the power of the Spirit, specifically in its ability to provide comfort. It just made me feel a bit more optimistic for the family remembering that they would never be left alone in their heartache. What a blessing!

Day 41

Our church building is right down the street even though our ward boundaries a pretty big (coming from Provo). It's a good thing, because it means we're usually on time or only 2 minutes late to church. And of course going to church every week is always a blessing--even while trying to get a very squirmy 10 month old to sit still for 3 hours.

Also, I had to have a little intervention, and Clark has now officially been pacifier-free for 3 days! He actually hasn't even seemed to notice (except at nap time the first couple days). Yay!

Weekend Update

On Saturday morning I went garage sale-ing, as usual. I've decided I'm going to start sharing my finds each week because, well, I'm my mother's daughter and feel the need to tell everyone and their dog when I get a really great deal. I'm well on my way to become a hoarder.
This week, for $5.25 I got:

Cardigan and top for me, clothes for Clark, bread maker, groovy vase

Guys, that is a working bread maker with complimentary bread recipe book for $2! ("But Natalli, have you ever/do you even know how to make bread?" No, but.. $2!) Oh, and garage sale tip of the day: if you buy baby anything and look like you're 17--ok probably even looking 22--people feel really bad for you and give you a better price than they normally would.

 

 

Then of course I watched conference with my boys. All weekend long. It was wonderful as ever, and I'm sad it's over. On Sunday night we made a little fire in the backyard and grilled some chicken, veggies, and pineapple. Is there anything better than grilled pineapple (aside from anything that has chocolate as its main ingredient)?!

Now on to "another butt-head Monday", as my dear husband would say.

Can't go back now

On our way back from UT, this talk came on the ipod. I don't care who you are, where you are in life, you need to read/watch/listen to it. Really, go do it now. I've heard it a few times since it is probably my favorite BYU devotional ever, but it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I have had a really, really good life and made a lot of amazing friends and memories, but I have a problem with getting stuck in the past, wishing things could always stay the way they were.

There were times when we first moved out here and I felt so tired and lonely, I thought this could never be home and that things could never be as great as they once were. On a particularly bad day, I just started bawling and asked Jacob if we had made the right choice. Maybe we should have taken the job offer in Arizona, bought a nice house, been close to friends and family. Things have gotten better as I've been more proactive about making friends and being involved, but I was still always thinking about "better" times.

Then I listened to this, specifically this part, "So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind." And I realized: that is so me! I had never really thought that my attitude showed a lack of faith, but it totally did. This life is all about progression! So as we literally drove away from our past, I decided right there to just let it go. Take the good from it, and move on. I instantly felt that a burden had lifted. I also felt a little stupid for not having thought of such a simple solution on my own. And whenever I'm tempted to look back, I just keep reminding myself: There are great things ahead. There are great things now.

Utah

Jacob and I took a road trip to Utah last week. Clark was surprisingly good for the 13 hour drive! But, word to the wise, road trip is a bad time to introduce baby to prunes. That's all I'm going to say about that. Aside from Jacob and Clark having a nasty cold the whole time (no sleep for me!), we had lots of fun.

On Wednesday, we went to the Roper's to see all of our friends and eat pizza. On Thursday, we went to BYU to visit the HLRC and show Clark the good ol alma mater (yes, only a few months and we're already that family). We met up with Heather and Devaun before going to the bookstore to get fudge and this little warm-up jacket for Clark.

On Friday we left Clark with Jacob's McKinnon grandparents and got to go to the temple for the first time in I-won't-say-how-long. That was so great! Afterward we went to his Mead grandparents for a family bbq. Saturday afternoon we headed to Fillmore and met up with all the friends again.

the drooling is out of control

The end!

lessons

Last week was rough. I won't get into all the boring details; babies just have lots of issues that they can't explain to you, and there's nothing more upsetting or frustrating than seeing your kid suffer and not knowing why or how to fix it. And not having hot water all week was the cherry on top. But the real purpose of this is to remind myself of all the good thoughts and insights I got from church yesterday and while taking a walk today:

* Stop praying that he'll take all the hard things away, stop the pain, change the situation and instead pray for him to change me, to give me strength to get through the hard stuff and develop a better attitude.

* Stop feeling sorry for myself and do something! Even if it's awkward and scary, I need to put myself out there and find ways to serve people.

*Ether 12:27  "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them."

* Quit doubting my ability to be a good mom. I stress way too much about all the tiny details of what parenting style is best and end up going back and forth about things that won't even matter in the long run. What he really needs is love, consistency, and confident parents he can rely on.

* I went into this role with the wrong attitude. As bad as it sounds, I was trying to make the baby's impact on my life as small as possible (i.e. let's get him to sleep through the night ASAP). And while helping him get into good habits is a good goal, it should not be the focus. I mean, how stupid to have a kid just to try to minimize his existence. He's a gift, not a burden!

I guess now I sound like a terrible person, but I promise all these negative things only come out in my weaker moments (all of last week). So much opportunity for growth!

Weekend

On Saturday we had to take another Ikea trip, got some lunch at a place that pretended to be Greek but was really just a grill, and drove by the Oakland temple. Then we had our traditional chocolate milk and popcorn movie night and almost made it through the whole movie before falling asleep. I'm always tempted to just go to bed at 8 when the baby does, but most days I need those few hours of selfish time. Sue me.

moms and stuff

Things on my mind this mother's day:

*I'm really lucky to have such an amazing mom (read about why she's so great here) and a husband raised by an equally amazing mom

*Even though I have my rough days, I can't think of anything that would be better for me than being Clark's mom. For the longest time, I've known what kind of person I want to be and have worked and prayed for the qualities that would make me that person--without much success. But being a mom has compelled me to have more patience, charity, and pretty much all of the qualities I want/need. I guess the point is that we aren't just made better people because we want to be; we're given experiences that provide us opportunities for growth. blehh I can't really explain very well what I'm thinking, but this pretty much sums it up:

"Jesus’ love was inseparably connected to and resulted from his life of serving, sacrificing, and giving in behalf of others. We cannot develop Christlike love except by practicing the process prescribed by the Master...Is there a greater love among mortals than that of a mother, who offers all for her child? Many who desire to have charity like Jesus attain it as he did." (C. Max Caldwell)

*This video is amazing. I've always loved it, but it means so much more now...especially after a really stressful, discouraging day.

*What could be better than spending all my time with this guy? He really does get cuter every day.

 He sure loves his cousins (and attention). 

Name and Blessing

On Sunday we were able to have Clark's baby blessing in Jacob's parent's ward. I was really glad we got to have so many friends and family there instead of doing it in California where we know nobody. We had a little lunch after at his parent's house. It was all perfect.

I got ready and everything! I was a little worried my baby wouldn't recognize me sans glasses, greasy ponytail, and crusty T-shirt.

And while I'm (sort of) on the topic of names, I'll share how the babe got his name. It started with a pretty long list which got narrowed down for months until we were down to 2 or 3 favorites. We got Clark from his Grandma's maiden name. We thought we would keep a few names in mind and then decide which suited him best when we saw him. Good idea in theory. Not in practice.

When we saw him neither of us had slept for 24 hours, I was drugged, and he didn't come looking like a certain name. Duhh. I don't know why I was expecting it to just come to us when we saw him, because it totally didn't. I said I would pick the middle name if Jacob picked the first. I held up my end, but he didn't want that much responsibility, so we did a lot of "You choose." "No, you choose." "Mom, you pick." Finally I said "ok pick a number!" No really, we named our child by picking a number.

But I think it suites him..now (at first anything we called him felt weird). And I don't know if we could have picked a better namesake. Jacob's grandma is one of the most genuinely kind and selfless people I've ever met, and thanks to her, we've had a place to stay for almost free the past three years.

So that's how Clark became Clark. And then it was brought to our attention that he could also be CJ which doesn't really fit at the moment, but maybe someday he'll be glad to have the option?

The After Party

Continued from here.

For my whole life, whenever I thought about giving birth, I only imagined it up to the part where I get the baby. All the labor stuff made me a little nervous, but then once they hand you the baby it's happily ever after. Wrong. I was so wrong. One too many romantic comedies or episodes of "A Baby Story" I guess.

Much to my surprise, birthing baby was the easy part. Then there was shaking uncontrollably, a fever and chills, wearing a diaper (which goes along with a whole world of unpleasant stuff that I won't get into), painful failed attempts to breastfeed, and passing out when the nurses tried to take me to the bathroom--I guess I had lost a bit too much blood right at first. Most of all I was more exhausted than I'd ever been in my life. All I wanted to do was sleep, but nurses kept coming in to check my whatever and push really hard on my stomach. Hi, I just had a baby.. that hurts! And then it took me about a week before I could walk without hunching over and feeling like I was going to pass out.

But the really worst part was probably the emotional roller coaster they call "baby blues". It's such a happy, exciting time but also really scary and overwhelming. Add crazy hormonal imbalance, and it's a mess. I would burst into tears over the tiniest things and sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. I wasn't at all interested in anything that I usually love (food, reality TV, Pinterest). And the very worst of all was every evening when the anxiety would hit. Even though I was dead tired those first few nights, I couldn't sleep because of the awful, unshakable anxiety. If you've ever had a moment where you're scared for your life, and your heart's beating out of your chest, that's how I felt ALL. NIGHT. LONG. But each day it got a little better, and I cried a little less. I'm incredibly grateful that it was temporary and didn't develop into full-blown PPD. I  have a lot more empathy now for anyone who deals with that or any kind of anxiety/depression.

So now it sounds like it was all just the worst experience ever. Parts of it were. But there were moments in that first really, really hard week that were the best ever. Like falling asleep to general conference with my baby boy curled up on my chest. Or seeing Jacob instantly become the best dad ever. Or when he would sit right by my hospital bed during those long anxiety-filled nights, hold my hand, and tell me we could take turns staying awake if it would help me feel better. And all of this making me realize that God knows me so well that he gave me a husband who is more perfect for me than I ever could have known. Seriously, if I wasn't married to someone so helpful and involved, I would have lost it! I also would have lost it without my mom there the first week to be my slave, answer my worried-new-mom questions, and get me out of the house, even though I had to use one of the motorized shopping carts for old folks.

At first I felt a little guilty for not being euphoric every moment of every day. It felt like every new mom in the world felt that way while I kept thinking "Is this really the rest of my life?"  "Will I ever get dressed again?" "Will I ever sleep again?" And while I'm beyond grateful, I think it's OK to feel overwhelmed and even sad sometimes. This is a huge change and so physically and emotionally draining.

Luckily, things are already so much better. We are starting to get into a groove that works for us, and I'm becoming a tiny bit more confident every day. The crazy postpartum hormones are waning, we're all getting more sleep, and I've even showered and gotten dressed a few times. The good moments are definitely outweighing the bad, and we love our little guy more than anything.

Truth

"Work is the miracle by which talent is brought to the surface and dreams become reality"--President Hinckley

Valentiny Things

Lately it feels like we never have a free second, but on Saturday afternoon Jacob took a little break from work/school/studying to take me out for buy-one-get-one-free Smashburger and a Dairy Queen ice cream cone! Yes, we're poor college kids even on holidays, but even just going out to eat is a treat these days.
Later that evening we went to Jake and Brittany's "Palentines" (like pals...get it?) party. I made these little ice cream cupcakes for it. They turned out a little sad, but it was a cute idea, right?! There was a lot of good company and yummy treats at the party, and we even got to decorate sugar cookies!

<==== 33-Week Belllllly

On for real Valentine's Day, I surprised Jacob with a big bag of his favorite "treat"--chips! I put lots of cheesy little love notes to correspond with each type of chips.

Always the one-upper, Jacob got me these cute maternity sewing patterns. I'm so excited to make them, even if I don't finish in time for this pregnancy. He also tried to make me a card on InDesign. It turned out giant, because he couldn't figure out how to print it. Love it!

Once we got done with school that evening, we went to the temple with our friends Hailey and Jordan. Then we went to eat at Diego's. It was a great way to top off our Valentine's Day.

on my mind

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to be a good mom and which parenting styles work best and all that.Then I realize that even if I knew what perfect parenting looked like, I wouldn't be able to do it. The words of prophets and apostles always make me feel better, though. This snippet was especially encouraging:

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother... Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." Elder M. Russell Ballard

That I can do.